when size really does matter

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Sep 07 11:47 AM posted by Team Ricki

Friend of Ricki Amy from ResourcefulMommy.com: Last May I found myself at the end of a long day, enjoying a cocktail with friends, discussing the blogger event we had just attended with our families.  Conversation floated from business to kids to health, and I pointed out my small triumph – I was wearing shorts.  In public.  On purpose.  My friends offered their obligatory praise in support of this big step, but then one friend said, “Amy, that’s fantastic, but when are you going to start buying tops that are the right size?”

The truth is that I’m not even sure what size is right for my body, for my real body, not the body in my mind.

I spent so many years hearing that I was “fat,” a word that I won’t even allow around my own children, that I was absolutely convinced it was true.  My completely healthy size 10 teenage body felt bloated and unlovable, so that when I did gain weight in the early years of my marriage, it seemed like a prophecy fulfilled.  I had simply grown into the image of myself that I always believed was there, filled out the over-sized clothing I was already purchasing.

In the last year, I've lost thirty pounds, worked hard to create a balanced lifestyle, run a 5K and changed the foods that I prepare for my family.  To everyone around me, the transformation was profound.  Clients and colleagues, whom I only see a couple times a year, have told me that, at first glance, I was unrecognizable.  In my head, however, I continue to struggle to cast out those demons and see myself as I really am. I try on clothes and am surprised by the size that fits.  I dare myself to buy those single digit pants instead of the larger size that feels safer.  I walk past mirrors and catch peripheral views of my body and am startled to see smaller legs.  I wear tank tops to run and pause when I notice my shoulders.  Yes, even thin shoulders shock me.

I am nearly thirty-five years old.  I am the mother of two amazing children.  I have a loving husband.  A great career.  A beautiful home.  I always hoped that by this point in my life I would not only be comfortable in my own skin, but also able to see myself for who I really am, a healthy, active woman.  At what point, if ever, will my head catch up with my body?  When will I be able to enjoy the rewards of my hard work?

Can you relate to Amy's story? Do your thoughts match your actual appearance? Share in the comments.

Amy Lupold Bair is the founder of Resourceful Mommy Media.  In 2008, Amy burst onto the social media scene inventing the Twitter Party – a hashtagged social event catering to the needs of clients ranging from e-commerce start-ups to nationally recognized brands.  Due to her own successful relationships with agencies and brands, Amy developed The Global Influence Network, a network for fellow bloggers. Amy writes about everything from parenting to the deeply personal at ResourcefulMommy.com. Amy's also always available in 140 characters or less at @ResourcefulMom on Twitter.